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September 30, 2009

There but for the grace of...

Every once in a while, you hear about a car accident where someone has managed to get onto a highway going the wrong way.

Generally, the driver is drunk and the consequences are pretty bad.

I've always wondered, honestly, how in the hell that could happen? I mean, even drunk, how could you take the wrong ramp for the highway? Isn't it very, very obvious?

So, I've been a bit harsh on this topic. That is, until today.

Today, distracted, but perfectly sober, in broad daylight, I managed to swing onto the wrong side of an onramp/offramp for an expressway.

I'm still not exactly sure how I managed to do this. It is a weird intersection, but that is no excuse.

I've driven this intersection plenty of times. I've always navigated it fine, but today, I swung the left turn, picked the wrong side of the road, and found myself facing traffic coming head on.

Thankfully, I was able to take quick evasive action and no one was hurt, no accident happened, and I escaped shaken but fine.

But my mind is totally blown by this little event.

So maybe it's not so hard to get going the wrong way on a major highway.

I'm not excusing the devastation caused by the people who were driving drunk and managed to cause a lot of injury by making this mistake.

But maybe I understand it a little better now.

September 29, 2009

Style tips you can use!

Today, I learned something about how to conduct my life from a most unlikely source.

Real, powerful lessons I look forward to applying as soon as possible.

So this afternoon, I had the honor privilege task of taking The Feline to the vet. She's having ongoing ear troubles, so back we went to see the same guy who cut the tumor off her little nose last year.

Needless to say, not really her most favorite person.

But our vet is the owner of nine (yes, nine) of his own cats. He's got a real firm but friendly touch with my cat who prefers it if you'd never actually *touch* her.

As I wrassled that pet down so the good doctor could examine her, I watched how the feline worked.

First, she simply tried to walk away. Vigorously.

When that didn't work, she began this low-in-the-throat growl. Very menacing. In fact, I've never heard her use this growl on anyone BUT the vet. He's a very kind man, really, and no one else can cause my normally bulletproof pet to make that sound.

So with the long growls and face-finger* looks, we were put on notice.

Next step was to use her paw to push the vet's hand away. Firmly. No claws, no biting, just firmly shoving with her paw flat against the palm of his hand with all she had.

Finally, when the doctor persisted in looking in her ears, and after trying walking away, growling, and pushing, The Feline went to code red.

Meaning: The cat freaked the f-word out.

The vet, not a petite man by any account, threw hands up in the air, backed right off, and looked a little skeered, actually.

Twelve point one pounds of fury.

Oh yes.

She never had to get violent. No blood was drawn. I think she might have peed the tiniest bit, but not enough to make a mess.

But let me tell you, that animal was no longer messed with. Nope. We both let her be.

In fact, the meaner she got, the kinder the vet became. He started out calling her "big girl" in reference to her heft. (As a "big girl" myself, I was sort of offended on behalf of my pet!)

By the end of the visit, he was calling her "little one" and practically cooing to her in Peruvian.

See, this is good. The smallest, most vulnerable one in the room got her way.

I can learn from this!

First, if you don't like it, walk away.

If that doesn't work, get vocal. Make your displeasure known in a firm but not offensive way.

It that doesn't work, be firmer. Don't be afraid to physically push the trouble away. No need to be violent, just be direct.

And if you really, truly have to, freak out! Including a little pee, but only if really necessary.

Once the trouble is over, give everyone a face-finger, walk away with tail held high, and loudly demand food the moment you set paws in safe territory.

I can't wait to try this at my next mammo visit!

Look at her now...all sweetness and light....hmph!

*i.e. a dirty look. As in, giving the finger, but using your face.

September 28, 2009

Fine, then don't drive across my state, buttheads!

The Ten Worst States To Drive Across

Is New Mexico listed?

*Of course* New Mexico is listed.

If you gotta explain the joke...

Then it isn't funny. Right? Or the saying goes something like that.

For the past couple years here in the Bay Area, we've been without a country music station. At all. None. Zero.

So yeah, I'm a fan of country. I'm also a fan of blues, rock, eighties, popular, swing, jazz, mariachi and mambo. It's all good by me.

I really do like the old country stuff. I'll admit that. Stuff I grew up on. I tend mostly to listen to the Roadhouse on my Sirius radio. They play only old music, and I love it.

But I also like new stuff. I've just haven't been listened so long, I lost touch a little bit.

Recently I discovered that country music has returned to Bay Area radio, so now, every time I'm in the car, that's all I listen to.

I'm getting caught up on what's hot right now.

And I'm perplexed.

Every other freaking song is proclaiming, "I'm from the country! Oh yes I am, let me tell you about dirt roads and June bugs and mama's apple pie! No, really, I swear to GOD I'm so totally country, you don't even know!"

It's making me weary.

All this chest beating, "no, I'm totally serious guys! I'm country" is bull crap.

Example? Current number one country song? "Small Town USA" Oh and "Big Green Tractor" is on that list too. Both proclaiming that they come from the dirt roads and pretty green tractors.

Oh and recently I heard that song "Boondocks," though I think that one has been out awhile.

But anyhow, to all of this, I say:

Blah, blah, blah all you yahoolios!

Did Willie ever have to let you know he was country? Did Merle feel he had to prove to you he could drive a tractor? Does *anyone* doubt that Dolly came from something real poor and made it big?


Give it a rest, you kids. If you have to say you are from the country, you probably aren’t. Folks tend to just know these things.

I blame Sarah Palin, by the way. All her chest thumping "I'm just a country girl!" while, you know, being governor and wearing $3,000 custom made suits.

If it were just a song here and there, I probably wouldn't have noticed, but there is a glut of these "where I come from" songs. It is sort of repetitive and honestly, rather boring.

Plus, it's all faker than a cowboy riding a broomstick pony with plastic spurs on his spotless boots.

Kind of like those "cowboy up" bumper stickers. Read my thoughts on THAT phenomenon in this post.

Image courtesy of jumpsoverthelazydog.com

September 25, 2009

Going analog

You know, these tough economic times call for a bit of tightening on the ol' belt.

Have to go back to the old ways. The simpler ways. The cheaper ways.

So with that, from here on, all my missives will come across in analog form.

That's right. Sure, it will be a little tougher to shove those bits through that cable and out onto the interwebs.

But in tighter times, we all have to work a little harder. Make more of an effort to get there. Put a little elbow grease into it.

And I'm up to the challenge.

Maybe a little more arm and finger strain. Sure. But back in the day, they never heard of no stinking carpel tunnel syndrome! Nope, you just played through! And you liked it!

Ok, no, actually, this little beauty is the reason I traversed the Bay Bridge a couple days ago. I found this on Craig's List and got a pretty sweet deal on a barely used Underwood typewriter. The guy selling it was cleaning out the attic, preparing to move. This belonged to his wife's family, that's about all he knew.

From my research, I have found that it dates to the 1940's and is in really great condition. The coolest feature is that the bottom of the case has these fold out legs. Basically, the whole case turns into a little desk, a work surface for "in the field" work.

It's such an amazing work of engineering.

Why did I buy this boat anchor, you might ask? Well, I had an idea. And if it all works out, you'll see it all come together in a few weeks. Hopefully anyway.

For now, I'm enjoying the smell and sound of this fully manual machine. It has a great *ding* bell sounds and *zip* back goes the carriage. Yep, it's fully functional! Some of the keys stick, so I'm looking for a shop that can tune it up.

The rat-a-tat sounds reminds me of, sure, that typing class I told you about last week. But it also calls to mind the sound of my mom working the keys. She had an old Royal (pretty sure it was a Royal) and back in the day, my mom was a professional secretary (administrative assistant) and that woman could type like crazy. 100 wpm, no mistakes.

Anyhow, stay tuned. You may see more of this little beauty!

September 23, 2009

A little out of sorts

Got some bad news about a family member today, so I'm a bit subdued.

I'll just say this: cancer sucks. A lot.

Anyhow, back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Well that can't be good

Historic bullet shortage in U.S.

What exactly is going on in this country?

September 22, 2009

Today, more than ever...

...I am convinced that the members of the human race are all nothing more than a truckload of clucking chickens wandering around the big cosmic coop.


Ok, so, backstory:

Over the Labor Day weekend, the people constructing a new eastern span of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge closed the bridge to traffic. During this closure, they removed one section of the lower deck of the bridge, and placed a temporary section in place to divert traffic and allow vital work to be completed.

This made big news all over the Bay Area. It was much ado about "The S Curve"

Ba-kah! An S curve!

So when the bridge re-opened to traffic the following week, all the traffic reporters reminded commuters that people would be getting used to the new S curve, so allow extra time.

Ok, fine. Right? It's a new thing, we all get used to it and move on.

Oh but nooooooo.

No, today, I had a rare occasion to have to cross the Bay Bridge. (stop shuddering, my dear mother!)

So, first of all, the approach going in an eastern direction on a good day is a cluster of merges that has always made me nutty.

Fine, it is what it is.

Then there had been an accident an hour earlier that had still left traffic snarled. Fine.

But oh...the best part. Once traffic was flowing along, I came through the tunnel that goes through Treasure Island, and then I was confronted with...DA DA DUUUUM...

The S Curve.

And people hit the brakes! Oh did they hit the brakes.

Fer crimeny's sakes, people! It isn't a frappin' Z curve! It is quite easy to navigate. You follow those fabulous little white lines they paint on the ground. You turn your steering wheel gently one way, and then gently the other way. This is not a step on the brake-able road hazard!

My god. The freak out. The pandemonium! The utter ba-kah!

The Bay Bridge carries some 270,000 cars every day. And this change was implemented TWO WEEKS AGO!

But nooooooo.



This, along with people on the southbound highway slowing down to look at an accident that occurred on the northbound side, you know, OVER that heavy concrete barrier?

Bah. Kah.

Fine. I'll just peck at my grain and shake my tailfeathers and call it a day.

I. Am. Cranky.

September 21, 2009

What else can go in there?

Oooooh baby! I bought a new eeeelectrical device over the weekend and I'm becoming an OCD monster with this thing!

After reading one or another health book written by some expert and the need for more fruits and veggies in the diet and how big corporation farmed veggies are less healthy than ever and now it takes tons and tons of vegs to get the job done and we all need to be healthier and have more fruits and veggies and (breathe breathe) soooo....

I bought a juicer.

[Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt]

Oh yeah. This one right here: new toy

I shopped best prices, best brands, compared, touched, felt, took 'em apart and finally settled on one with good reviews, ease of operation, and, oh yeah, I had a coupon. That always helps.

I clutched this little beauty to my chest and put it lovingly into the Jeep. Then I went to Trader Joe's and went nutty in the produce aisle.

Whew! All stocked up, I was rarin' to go.

I had a little trepidation when I first fired this thing up. It says in the literature, you can drop a whole apple in there. But, you know...sometimes they *lie* in sales literature.

So imagine my delight when I fired up that 13,000 rpm (6,500 on the low end) mo-chine and it emitted a low rumbling hum.

Then I slid a smallish apple down the chute and "woooompph" that thing was pulverized and a nice glass of juice poured out the spout. Oh, and it was delicious too!

Then I started channeling both Jack Lalanne and Tim the Tooltime Taylor, all at once.

I was like "well, what else can we fit down there?" For much of Sunday afternoon, The Good Man was patient as I ground down just about anything I could possibly fit down that chute and shove through with the "food pusher".

Remember how Tim the Toolman wanted a garbage disposer that could chew up tree limbs? I think my juicer could do it! The juice would taste, uh, pine-y, but man what fun!

I *may* have lost the focus here on this whole juicing thing, not sure. But if you are a fruit or veggie anywhere my neighborhood, be very, very afraid.

I'm just saying. Today, there is a pineapple on my counter that tomorrow, won't be more than a pile of rubble.


I am:


September 18, 2009

And that's where I come from!

State Duck Calling Championship Set for Sunday

They don't have headlines like this where I live now. Nope.

I'm kind of sad I'll miss this. Apparently there is competition in four, count 'em, four categories!

Here's a fun fact: I can do a pretty respectable duck call. I can also do a turkey call, both male and female (they make different sounds).

Sorry boys, I'm married. Don't bother lining up to get a chance with me. I know I'm a catch.

Source: ABQJournal

A love story

A journey through the soul, told in the chosen format of crappy iPhone photos.

Oh coffee. How I love you so. (Yes, I know the cup is empty. It didn't last long. I slurped that thing through that pretty blue straw and uttered an "aaaaah" when finished.)

Yes, I love you oh so much. Sadly, you don't love me in return. You leave my stomach acidy, my esophagus crying out for relief and my adrenals asking for a nice day off.

It is a star-crossed love affair. And a fairly one sided love.

Ice cream, oh ice cream! Rich, creamy, frosty, tasty ice cream. How I adore you as you caress my mouth with your sugary creamy goodness.

But as much as I love you, you don't love me back the same way. You leave me phlegmy. Also, all that sugar doesn't help my already acidy tummy.

And you always seem to take up residence on my already poochy belly and round hips.

Damn you ice cream, for being so tantalizing and so not good for me!

Cheese! My sweet longtime lover, cheese! You and I go back to the early years. Remember all the grilled cheese sandwiches we shared? Sprinkling you over enchiladas and broiling until bubbly? Remember when I'd just hack off a slice and eat you as you are, because you and I are so simpatico like that?

Truly, you aren't terrible for me when enjoyed in moderation, but how can I possibly enjoy your delicious goodness in moderation! No, I indulge too much in my love and you join ice cream on my hips.

It's cruel, cheese, just too cruel. I mean, after all we've shared!!

Ah full fat ranch. You tempting, tempting fella. You flirt with me. Wink your little bottled dressing eye and beg me to partake.

Much like cheese, a little occasionally, fine. But who can have a *little* and why occasionally?

But you mock me. You taste so yum and then you turn on me and do mean things!

It's not right! I love you so much, why can't you show me a little kindness?

What's this? Oh, hey lettuce. What are you doing here? Hmm, yeah, uh, nice to see you too.

I have what can certainly be described as kind regards for you. I'm sure you're a very nice comestible.

You just don't...turn me on.

But you seem to *adore* me. Oh sure, you treat me so nice, giving me nutrients and not settling on my hips. Providing energy and fiber and you are such a hair parted down the middle, church on Sunday, help little old ladies across the street nice sweet gentle food.

It's just...I don't *want* nice!

I want wild! And passionate! And fascinating and rich complex textures!

I want to run with the bad kids and cut class and down twinkies and potato chips and stick my tongue out at "health" experts!

I want....I want.....

Hey, hey good lookin'.....what's your name? Wanna run around with me and coffee?

Oh, wait, who is that over there? Well hellooooo handsome!

Wanna take a walk on the beach, hand in hand, and watch the sun set? Wouldn't that be a nice way to spend some time together?

I know I'm flirting...I can't help it!

Oh wait, what's this?

Oh crap. That's not playing fair...

Hellloooooo lover!

September 17, 2009

If you hear a tiny *pop*

...it is the sound of my mind being blown.


Yesterday, I talked about this whole period-space-space thing.

So today, I'm going to take on a few grammar rules. I am breaking Sister Mary Margaret's ruler right over my Strunk and White. Oh yes I am!

(That sounds kind of....naughty! heh heh)

Ok, confession time: I didn't go to Catholic school. APS was a-ok.

Apparently middle school is much on my mind this week. Likely reflective of my mental age right now...but I digress.

Today we speak of Mr. Parker. Oh yes, another educator that saw my brother and sister pass through the doors of his classroom before I came along, all impressionable and scared.

Mr. Parker was, to put it mildly, a grammar Nazi.

(Yes, that's putting it mildly! And no I am *not* prone to hyperbole! Quit taunting me!)

Mr. Parker was all about forcing us to diagram sentences at the chalkboard.

(For the younger readers, yes, we used actual chalk in those days. And we had to walk uphill both ways to get to school.)

Mr. Parker would rattle off a sentence, and then we had to diagram the damn thing.

If you got stuck, he'd make sarcastic comments. Occasionally singing a little ditty meant to embarrass you. And then he'd tell you how you blew it. Because we always blew it when it came to diagramming sentences.


So Mr. Parker's waltzing, melodic teasing is in the back of my mind as I read this article:

Three grammar rules that are okay to break.

Doh! That's wickedly delicious, like getting caught smoking out behind the portable buildings!

(Not that I did, I was am a painfully rules compliant girl)

Here we go:

1. Feel free to boldly split infinitives.

They quote the famous Gene Rodenberry line, "To boldy go where no man has gone before" as evidence that this is ok.

Hmm. Not sure "Star Trek" is the high water mark for grammatical correctness. Then again, maybe I could get into this.

Problem is, it's also been drilled into me that adverbs should be kept to a minimum, under which "boldly" would qualify.

So...to capriciously break the rules, seems...well, I just did it, that's not so bad.

Oh yeah, I'm turning to the dark side!

(Mixing metaphors too! Oh, I'm naughty!)

2. Ending a sentence with a preposition is nothing to worry about.

Ok, I admit it, I already do this. And I hear Mr. Parker in my head when I do, but damnit, I do it anyway.

But I'm not going to stop!

At least until I get in trouble and then I'll be very compliant and mild.

3. Is it even okay to use sentence fragments? Yes.

Yeah, ok, fine. I do this. A lot. With frequency. And I'm not going to quit!

If loving sentence fragments is wrong, I don't want to be right!

I often get that green squiggly underline in Word that says "sentence fragment, consider revising." To which I reply, boldly: "NO!"

Then click ignore. It feels so good to click ignore.

You wanna know what else?

I also dangle my participles. I do and I'm not sorry.

Oh I'm grammatically running amok now!


September 16, 2009

Old habits like these are so hard to break*

It was seventh grade. She was Mrs. Olivas. Typing teacher. A rail thin Hispanic woman with long black hair, parted down the middle, a sour face and an even sourer disposition.

(sourer doesn't sound right, but Word grammar checker told me that "more sour" was incorrect...so let's roll with it)

Mrs. Olivas taught my brother, well ahead of me in school. She taught my sister.

And then she taught me.

There we all sat, trembling, at the keyboards of electric typewriters distributed about the classroom. Eyes forward. No looking at your fingers!

Mrs. Olivas would wander the room, shouting letters like a drill sergeant. We would type what she shouted. In unison our keys would strike the paper.

My sister had warned me, with her accent, her "v" sounded like "b" and vice versa. And she graded harshly when you got it wrong.

Mrs. Olivas taught us that after every period ending a sentence, you hit that space bar twice.

End a sentence, space twice, start the next sentence.

One space looked too crowded. Too hard to tell where one sentence ended and the next began.

Two spaces.

No questions. Don't ask. Two spaces.

I follow this great lady, Debbie Ridpath Ohi, on Twitter (her screen name is inkyelbows). She is a writer and creates spot on comics about and for writers.

So imagine the shock and awe in my world when I read the following re-Tweet:

@inkyelbows From literary agent @Ginger_Clark "Authors: stop double spacing after every paragraph. It's unnecessary."

What?!? Sputter sputter. What!?!?

I say.....WHAT?!?!

Ok, to be fair, Twitter itself had me changing my typing habit. Why type two spaces when that takes two of the precious 140 characters? So I figured in the Twitter-verse, it was ok.

But in my regular writing? Stories, emails, blog posts. Can I stop?

Period-space-space is in my muscle memory! It lives in my cells!

Seventh grade was almost thirty years ago! If I don't period-space-space won't Mrs. Olivas come haunt me in my sleep like the La Llorona of the Smith Corona?

"Peerrrioood-spaaaaace-spaaaaace," she will howl outside my window!

I found this bit of explanation online: " It is generally accepted that the practice of putting two spaces at the end of a sentence is a carryover from the days of typewriters with monospaced typefaces."

So to do a period-space-space is something of a throwback. It marks me as "old school." Someone who learned to type on an actual typewriter.

Ok, fine. I'm trying. Every day I'm trying to retrain my obstinate thumb to only tap that space bar once. Just once.

It's tough! I still have to do a find and replace when I finish any document, including this blog post.

I'm too old to learn new tricks!!!!


Oh, and:

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

*apologies to Hank Williams Jr for bastardizing his lyric.

Coming tomorrow: "Three Grammar rules that are okay to break." My world is off its axis!

Whoa Nellie!

Back in March 2007, I started this little ol' blog, with much tentativeness and apprehension.

It was The Good Man's idea for me to become a blogger, and he's been my biggest supporter all along.

So he made me a deal.

Threw down a gauntlet.

Set a goal for me.

If I could top 100 unique visitors in a single day, he'd buy me dinner.

A *nice* dinner.

Yesterday, I finally achieved that feat.

WHOOO HOOO!!! Dinner! Yeeessss!

September 14, 2009

Recycled Conversations

So the conversation goes like this:

"Hey, do we have any WD-40?"

"Yeah, I think so, why?"

"Where would it be? I want to fix the squeak in that [curse word] bathroom door."

"Oh. Yeah, it's probably in that same cabinet where we keep the toolbox."

"Ah, ok." sounds of digging around "Found it!"

sounds of more cursing, spraying, door swinging back and forth

Yeah, see, this conversation in a similar form took place on more than occasion between my mom and dad.

The ol' man was hell on squeaks, rattles, and turning off lights when you left a room.

And he was all about the WD-40.

The conversation above? Took place in my home this past weekend.

Only, it was me cursing at the bathroom door, maniacal look on my face as I eliminated the squeak.

So why again is it as you age, you become your parents?

And why again am I becoming my father?

When I start wearing Sears brand jeans and listening to Big Band music, you all have my permission to take me down, Mutual of Omaha-style.

Damn bathroom door is pretty quiet now, though.

September 11, 2009

Oh yeah, rocking it real slow

You know what's a hit right now? The T-Pain auto tune app on the Apple iTunes app store called "I Am T-Pain."

Auto tune is actually a cheat for artists to use, it cleans up bad notes. Many legit artists use them in concert to make their notes right, offenders include country starts Reba McIntire and Faith Hill.

But, as kicked off by Cher with the song "Believe" (1998), it can also be used to deliberately distort the voice.

A style that R&B and Rap artist T-Pain has used to great success.

So now, Mr. Pain has brought an app to the app store with some serious capability that will make you sound just like him.


Without further delay:

My R&B rendition of our state song.

Any semblance to actual musical skill is the fault of the auto tune. If it's good enough for Reba, it's good enough for me!

(I can't believe I'm actually posting this. My family will be so embarrassed!)

September 10, 2009

Here's a handy tip:

If you are *anywhere* in the vicinity of microphones, whether or not you are sure they are turned off, do not, under ANY circumstances, say something that you might wish was not broadcast, recorded and shared.


I know, I know, sure, Ronald Reagan ran afoul of this. So did George W. Bush.

And so, you'd think we'd all learn.

But no.

Disgraced California lawmaker denies affairs

And as a post script...why is it always the ardent "family values" people who are the most wacky?

Think about it.

September 9, 2009

I fought the law...

...and the law will probabaly win.

Ok, not me, but a man named Dave Vontesmar. Mr. Vontesmar lives in Arizona. Phoenix, to be exact.

And Mr. Vontesmar has to commute daily for his job at Sky Harbor airport.

Mr. Vontesmar is not a fan of the recently installed cameras that Phoenix has been using to catch speeders (and, let's be clear, raise revenue).

It is, as this article describes, a "photo-enforcement gantlet (sic) on Interstate 17, Arizona 51 and Interstate 10."

Mr. Vontesmar IS, however, a fan of going in excess of the speed limit.

And so the perfect solution is born.

Dave Vontesmar wears a monkey mask when driving. Sometimes a giraffe mask, but mostly a monkey mask.

And when the tickets, some 37 so far, totaling fines upward of $6,500, show up at his home, he says:

"'Not one of them there is a picture where you can identify the driver,' Vontesmar said. 'The ball's in their court. I sent back all these ones I got with a copy of my driver's license and said, 'It's not me. I'm not paying them.''"

Well ok. I guess they use the car registration and the driver's license photo to id the drivers and issue the ticket.

So Vontesmar is working a loophole here.


"...officers sat outside Vontesmar's home and watched him drive to work. 'We watched him four different times put the monkey mask on and put the giraffe-style mask on,' Officer Dave Porter said. 'Based on surveillance, we were positive that Vontesmar was the driver.'"

So fine, he's probably not going to get away with this, but damn...you gotta like his style!

File this under: hot desert sun does something funny to folks.

Photo from azcentral.com

September 8, 2009

I'm just an ol' fashioned girl

Sort of, anyway.

I mean, over the weekend, in fact, last night, I had occasion to make dinner for my husband. I admit, there is something so *deeply* satisfying to cook for my man, and even more so when he took a first bite and made a yummy noise. Gets right to the heart of me!

Ok, so here's another way I may be a bit stodgy. Ladies, listen in here... The weekend just past was Labor Day.

And we all know what that means, right?

Of course, no wearing white after Labor Day. We can wear it again come Easter.

There, I said it. I know, I know, that rule is out of date and there is such a thing as "winter white" and so on.

To me, this rule really applies to two items of clothing...pants and shoes.

A nice crisp white blouse with darker pants is fine.

But pair that with white shoes? *gasp*

My mother, who was, in her day, quite fashionable (don't scoff dear mum, I have the photos to prove it!), taught me the no white after Labor Day rule.

But then she also gave me the handy carve out that, since we lived in New Mexico and the weather stayed warmer in New Mexico than, say, eastern climates, wearing white a little bit longer was acceptable.

But no, I took the rule entirely to heart. Nope, nada, ain't gonna do it! Back in my college days living in the sorority house, I was one of *those* girls who would point and gasp in horror when one of my sisters dared to sport a pair of white heels in the month of September.

Really rude, I know.

Then again...who wears white heels? Seriously.

I seem to have zero trouble following my own rule because...I don't own a pair of white pants. Really, there are only a very select group of women in this world who should be allowed to wear white pants. The rest of us can sit out this fashion, trust me.

And I'm pretty sure I don't own any white shoes either, if you don't count athletic shoes, which I don't. (and mine aren't white anyway)

Pretty much, in my middle years, I'm less and less inclined to get uptight about this rule.

And what kicked off this whole train of thought was an article in Time discussing the origin of the rule. Turns out the history is a bit fuzzy.

Ah well.

Really, in fashion, to each their own, right?

(I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga)

Oh sweet, delicious, sticky irony!

"Younger people at the moment are very mouthy and aggressive," he complains..."

Guess who said that?

Go on...guess!

No, really, you'll NEVER get it.

It's too...too.....deliciously ironic!

Ok, I'll tell.

I just can't hold it in anymore!


Johnny Rotten!

No, really. Here's the article!

Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!!!

September 4, 2009


So, there I was today, in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to work.

The Bay Bridge is closed this weekend for construction, so the traffic patterns in the Bay Area have gone all wonky.

My usual peaceful, easy commute was jammed up. Fine. A fact of life in a highly populated area.

As you may or may not know, in California, it's legal for motorcycle riders to "split the lanes", meaning, they can ride in that space between two cars, side by side in their respective lanes.

It took me quite some time to get used to this, but now, especially in a traffic slowdown, I'm quite alert. As a car driver it's always best to stay the course when a motorcycle comes whipping down between lanes.

This morning, as I sat, fully stopped, I watched the usual parade of motorcycles split the lanes. A Harley rumbled by. A really sweet BMW bike glided through. A couple of those very speedy Japanese bikes that force the rider to stick his rear up (doesn't seem right to go a 100mph with your ass higher than you head, but what do I know?).

And then, in my rearview, I saw this patchwork bike come wobbling along, looking like something out of the Road Warrior films.

Apparently mismatched parts had been collected from the junk pile. The thin tires looked better suited to off road than asphalt. The fender didn't match the bumper. It made a sound like a monkey wrench caught in the spin cycle.

But the rider sat tall in the saddle. He was decked in leathers and fully in command of his vehicle, proudly guiding his bike through Bay Area traffic.

And as he passed by, I noted the New Mexico license plate bolted firmly to the back.

As he rode away, out of sight, I held hand to my heart and quietly hummed "O Fair New Mexico".

"O Fair New Mexico, we love, we love you so...."

Thank you, New Mexico, for keeping it rasquache, even here in the Bay Area.

Oh so ready for the Labor Day Weekend. Happy and safe one, ya'll!

September 3, 2009

"My life is like watching the Three Stooges in Spanish"

A fave quote from the movie Untamed Heart. A now *coff* sixteen year old movie.


Ok, so maybe my life isn't like The Three Stooges in Spanish. Maybe more like The Three Stooges with the sound off.

Lot's of running and jumping. Quite a few people getting smacked around. Zany faces. Screwball circumstances.

But without the volume, it's hard to understand why all the commotion.

That's me. Sometimes I don't understand why all the commotion.

I think the answer is, simply, "that's life."

This week, I watched an episode of "No Reservations." You know, the show with Anthony Bourdain? It was a rerun from last season, I think.

It was a "lost episode" from when they were filming in Beirut in 2006. There they were, clubbing, eating, sunning, and within the blink of an eye, things went bad. The country became unstable, they were surrounded by gunfire and air strikes. They had a terrible time getting out, eventually, they were rescued by US Marines.

Now that's a hell of a commotion.

Look, I'm just fighting the forces of corporate confusion, middle age weary-induced crisis, and changing seasons.

You know, I have it pretty good.

Sometimes The Three Stooges in Spanish is a lot of fun. Despite all the commotion.

(That's me in the center)

¡El Chupacabra! Caught.

Oh yeah, baybee! Finally! They caught that damn Chupacabra!


And a taxidermist is going to stuff it and put it on display!

Well. Goat owners all along the border can sleep well tonight.

Now if we could get to work stuffing and mounting La Llorona, *I* could sleep better too!

September 2, 2009

Still breaking this thing in

Last month, it was complete happiness and joy to celebrate my one year anniversary! Wow, a whole year.

Both of us marveled at how fast a year could fly by, and had great times remembering our wedding day. Truly, the best day of my life.

Just this week, we finally finished up our wedding albums (yay!) and so it goes, into the life of a married couple.

A few weeks ago, The Good Man had occasion to laugh and point at me (this happens fairly often, actually). He said, "You're still not used to having someone around all the time, are you?"

Well. No, actually.

I mean. I was single for a long time.

And for a while, even when I was in a couple, we had such different schedules that I found myself with a lot of alone time on my hands. Which was ok.

Don't misunderstand. I love my husband and miss him with an ache in my chest when he's not nearby.


Look, we all do things we're not proud of. And, well, it's often better to do such things without a witness.

Like, I don't know, eating a dozen donuts, while still wearing your stained nightgown at 3:00 in the afternoon, sitting on the couch watching re-runs of "The Hills" or "Real Housewives" or something.


Listening to "The Big 80's" radio station, indulging in the strains of "Tainted Love" or "Jump for my Love" or "Love is a Battlefield" without *someone* commenting "oh. my. god. Why are you listening to that?"


Putting a goopy green mask on your face while painting your toenails and plucking your eyebrows without hearing "Agh!"


Belting out a show tune, for no reason at all.


Needing to spend some, erm...time, in the one restroom in the house...without some damn boy standing outside the door making farty noises with his mouth. Cuz that's not funny. And it's rather embarrassing. But it makes him laugh every time so I can't be too mad, because he's adorable when he laughs.

You get my drift.

This marriage thing...it's like breaking in a new pair of shoes that you *know* will be incredibly comfortable, but you gotta wear through the tight spots first.

This, one of the *many* reasons why people hate California

National Cougar Convention

In case you are unfamiliar with the term, definition from Urban Dictionary.

September 1, 2009

One Skeptical Eyebrow

Albuquerque Wants To Keep Medications Out of River

Well sure. All those medications might just get in the way of all the human fecal matter, dead and bloated dogs and other foamy flotsam and jetsam.

Yeah. Keep the meds out. Thanks.

How about we clean up the river, eh? You know, the main water supply for a growing city and state?

How's that for a *wild* and wacky idea?

As the world keeps tilting and turning

And there is nothing you or I can do about it.

Today heralds the incoming month of September.

Labor Day, the "official" end of summer, is nigh.

And, if you are perceptive, over the next days, you can sense a change in the atmosphere. The earth has moved in her orbit a tiny bit, and the angle of the rays from the sun are a little less direct, a bit less overhead, more muted.

The days get moment by moment shorter.

When the breeze blows by on a warm day, you catch the faintest bit of chill in the air. Almost imperceptible, but it is there.

And Fall starts to move in, unpack its red and gold and yellow hued bags, and set up residence.

September is the month of still summer warm days but cooler nights. Of State Fairs and rodeos and roasting chiles. In the Bay Area, the crab fishermen start patching nets and negotiating rates, getting ready for the Fall harvest.

An extra blanket may find its way onto my bed. The Feline will sleep a little closer to her humans.

There is talk of Halloween in the air. "What are you going to be" and bags of miniature chocolate bars for sale.

Soon pumpkins will be lit with candles and ghouls will rule the night.

But today, oh today. Today is still baseball and flip flops and cinnamon flavored churros. In small towns, talk of "will that steer take the blue ribbon this year" and kids are back in school and the public pools grow quieter.

The day is still warm and I still grip, and grip *hard*, to the last, butter slippery straws of summer.

Creative Commons License

Creative Commons License
All content of Oh Fair New Mexico by Karen Fayeth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License.